


Ant-man Went Up the Butt- Now What?

by bisexualandready2die



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Brooklyn 99 References, F/M, Gay Stuff, M/M, More Chapters to Come, Mostly Crack, and lesbian stuff too dont worry, i spelled scott's name scoot on accident so he's scoot now, im a tony stan it will jump out im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2020-04-11 12:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19109761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualandready2die/pseuds/bisexualandready2die
Summary: In this version of Avengers: Endgame, Ant-Man went directly into Thanos' asshole and all of our faves are alive! Yes, even Natasha. Yes, even Loki. This is a series of one-shots from that universe. Mostly fluff and humor. This will not get spicy... probably.Current chapter:Thor wants to ask Bruce out, but first he must get abs. On his fitness journey, while he get abdominal muscles? Or something more?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Steve and Bucky are fighting and Peter Parker doesn't know what to do. Luckily MJ has a suggestion. Joke copied directly from Brooklyn 99.

 

After the Avengers defeated Thanos by having Ant-Man go up his asshole, people all around the universe had to take time to adjust and recover. Having everyone come back brought on a good amount of realizations and revelations, so it wasn’t a surprise to anyone when Mr. Barnes swept Mr. Rogers up in his arms and kissed him.

Peter suspects that might have happened even without the snap, but who is he to say?

Bucky and Steve had spent too long apart, and so barely missed a beat when starting a relationship. Avengers and aliens alike saw them holding hands and cuddling around Avengers Compound. There was the _incident_ where Captain Danvers walked in on them erm….doing the frick-frack paddy whack, but no one is allowed to bring that up ever again. Mr. Stark resigns himself to only making remarks about the blast hole in the wall that may or may not have been created the day of the incident.  

Mr. Stark likes to complain about them a lot, but everyone knows it’s a farce. But he still insists loudly to anyone who can listen that he and Mrs. Potts are the cutest couple.

Long story short, Mr. Rogers and Mr. Barnes are happy.

But lately…

“I told you I had those guys covered Steve!”

“But I was right there! I took them out!”

“You put yourself in unnecessary danger.”

“I’m fine!”

“You could have died!”

“We’re all going to die eventually.”

“That is not the point Steven Grant Rogers.”

It had been like this for days. They were constantly sniping at each other. When they weren’t arguing they were glaring at each other and making passive- aggressive comments to the other Avengers.

“Wow, you are so great with Morgan.” Mr. Rogers says to Mrs. Potts one day. “You’re almost as good at mothering as Bucky.” Bucky whipped around from his spot across the room.

“I wouldn’t have to mother you if you didn’t act like a toddler.” They glared at each other while Mrs. Potts, being the diplomat she is, extracted herself from the situation.

“I hate this so much.” Peter says to MJ, who somehow let herself into the Compound. “It’s like my uncles are fighting.”

“They’ve been so busy with battles. They should just have sex. Problem solved.” MJ replies, looking complete nonchalant about the bomb she just dropped on Peter.

“No no NO. I do not want to think about that. No thank you. Nada. Nope” Peter rambles, blushing furiously.

“Why not? They’re both hot.”

“Don’t be gross!” Peter shouts. He hits MJ with a pillow from the couch, tragically catching the attention of Steve.

“What is going on here?” he asks. Peter looks at MJ, pleading with his eyes. Please do not. Do not. MJ winks at him and his stomach sinks.

“We were talking about you and Bucky’s issues. You two just need to bone.” Peter lets out a terrified squeak at the words.

“BONE!?! Young lady I am your elder.”

“BONE!?!” He yells storming into the room eight minutes later. “How dare you?”

“BONE!?!’ He continues at the half an hour point. “What me and Bucky do in the bedroom is none of your business.” Another half and hour passes and Mr. Rogers comes back.

“BONE!?! Never speak to me like that again.” At this point he storms out. Leaving Peter rocking back and forth repeating “why’ to himself as MJ laughed.

The next day Peter rushes up to Mr. Rogers.

“Mr Rogers, sir? I complied a list of couples therapists to help make up for the unsolicited comments yesterday.”

“That’s nice but there is no need.” America’s hero says with a smile on his face.

“Oh did you to work it out?” Peter asks.

“In a way.”

“Oh no.” Peter feels dread creeping in on him. “Did you two…”

“Yes. We boned” Mr. Banes confirms as he wraps his arms around Mr. Rogers waist. Peter pales.

“Oh no! My uncles _boned_!” He runs off to keep from dying of embarrassment. His spidey sense didn’t warn him about this.

“What a weird kid.” Bucky remarks “I like him though. His friend is a real good problem solver.”

“You think?” Steve says, drawing Bucky in for a kiss before dissolving into laughter.

“I know.”


	2. How To Get Abs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Thor asks Bruce out, he needs to go on a quest to regain his abdominal muscles. He goes out to gain fitness, and ends up getting much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all the Avengers but I have such a soft spot for Thor.

1\. Find your motivation

Loki sits, face mask on, soft music playing on the speakers, champagne glass in hand. After all the shit that happened in the past… all years he has been alive, he can finally relax. Peace and quiet at last. Nothing could ruin this moment.

“I’ve decided to get my abs back!”

There was one thing that could ruin this moment. He peers up at his brother Thor, who had just burst through the door with an alarming amount of enthusiasm and speed.

“And I should care why?” the green clad god asked, already missing his quiet afternoon. “You’re fine like this now that you’ve stopped all the drinking and sniveling.” 

“The article I found on the internet says self-improvement is always important.” Thor says, waving his phone around enthusiastically. “It has a whole list of pointers. Puny human technology is so helpful.” He chuckles, but sounds oddly strained. It’s almost as if he… oh. Loki feels a smirk creep on his face and sits up to face the god of thunder.

“I know what this is about.” Thor opens his mouth, but Loki cuts him off. “This is about your crush on Banner. You want to impress him. You are trying to seduce the good doctor by what,” He grabs the phone from Thor’s hand “doing crunches? You can already crunch anything with your hammer.” 

“I’m not trying to seduce him!” Thor objects, bright red. Loki raises his eyebrows at him, and Thor seems to slump down. “I’m going to ask him out, but I want to be in peak form first. I have to be worthy of him. If anyone else asks, this is all for health reasons” Loki holds back a scoff.

“You two are both equally pathetic I’m sure he would say y-”. Thor runs out of the room before he can finish. Loki lays down, making sure to take a long drink of his champagne. This was going to be eventful, to say the least. 

2\. Do lots of core exercises

“Man of Iron! I require assistance!” Thor booms. “Please.” He adds, trying to grin in a charming way. Tony Stark looks up from where he is tinkering. 

“Point Break! Buddy! What is it?” he smiles, laugh lines crinkling.

“I am trying to do crunches to get abs, but to do so I need someone to hold me down. In previous attempts I am afraid I kicked Scoot across the room with my superior strength. But then I thought ‘Stark can build one of his robot thingamajigs that can hold down my legs’!”

“Of course I can make you something.” Tony says, already pulling out materials. “We wouldn’t want poor, ehm, Scoot, to get injured again.” Thor beams and claps Tony on the shoulder, causing the man to stagger to the side. 

“Thank you. You were my second to last resort.” Tony hums absentmindedly as he works.

“Who was your last resort?”

“Oh I was going to ask Bruce to turn into the Hulk and sit on my feet.” Tony whips his head towards Thor.

“Bruce?”

“Uh.. yes?”

“Bruce Banner?”

“Do you know another Bruce that turns into the Hulk?”

“Actually,” Tony gets up, voice sounding odd, “I just remembered that I have many important things to do today and cannot do this today.”

“But you just said-“

“Haha you know me, always forgetting things, haha.” Thor just blinks at him.

“You cannot forget anything. You are a genius.”

“Oh no, there’s Pepper calling.”

“I do not hear a-”

“Coming darling!” he gets up and starts to run to elevator. “Ask Bruce for help!” he yells as the doors close. Thor stares at the elevator doors and shakes his head. Warfare can rattle even the best of minds.

“I must ask Bruce for assistance now,” Thor thinks, excitement and nerves churning in his gut. He checks his hair quickly in a workshop mirror and heads up to Bruce’s lab.  
He steps out the elevator to see Bruce working on something, humming ot himself as he mixes liquids together. After living so long as Professor Hulk, he found he could not fit in any Compound doors, and now spends his time as what he calls “ordinary old Bruce Banner”, though Thor thinks he is anything but. 

“Bruce! What are you making” Bruce startles, almost dropping his beaker.

“Not magic-proof bleach which will not go into Loki’s conditioner bottle at anytime ever.” He flashes an innocent smile, while his eyes glitter with mischief. Odin’s beard, Thor loves him. 

“Well, I hate interrupting such important work.” Thor side eyes the beaker, already imagining Loki’s face, “but I have request.” Bruce looks at him imploringly and Thor explains the situation involving sit ups and abs and plight of good warrior Scoot, unable to ascertain why Bruce is laughing.

“So I was wondering if you can turn into the Hulk and then sit on my feet so I can actually do the thing the Google tells me to do.” Bruce nods, looking oddly flushed at the request. Thor briefly wonders if he is well. 

“Sure, buddy. Pal. Friendo. Just me a give me a sec to turn the Hulk and then I can sit on your face- feet. I meant feet.” They both stare at the ceiling a moment. Thor thinks he might die. Bruce snaps into motion.  
“Yep, it’s uh- Hulk time now.” His body seems to ripple as he grows, his skin changing. Thor is both is grateful for and despises the growing fabric Tony designed for Bruce specifically. Bruce, fully Hulked-out turns and gives Thor a cheesy thumbs up. Thor lays down in his sit up position, Hulk sits down on his feet, making sure not to crush any bones, which Thor appreciates. 

Odin’s tits, sit-ups are hard. Even with Bruce counting for him, they still suck. After just a dozen, Thor is already sweating and ready to quit. The website said one hundred. Trying not to think about how close Bruce is already a monumental effort. Adding exercise is not helping. At fifty, he is mentally writing his will, leaving everything to Bruce and throwing in some things for the Spider-kid. When he gets up to eighty, he thinks he has already died and descended straight to Helheim. Right as his vison is blurring, he gets up to one hundred. Bruce stops counting, de-Hulks, and starts to stand. Thor, grateful to be done, shoots up and immediately feels his entire body buckling. 

“Why” he mutters before crashing to the ground. The ground isn’t really as hard as anticipated, however. It feels soft, and warmer than he would expect. He opens his eyes and finds his face right up close to his friend’s.

He fell on Bruce. 

“Are you okay?” Bruce starts to ask, voice fading. They lay there, faces inches apart, breaths mingling between them. If had wanted to, he could have counted each eyelash. His eyes fall to Bruce’s lips. He would barely have to move. He could just move down a little and-

What is he doing? Thor stands up quickly, feeling his blush radiate from him. Bruce scrambles to is feet quickly after.

“My apologies! I believe I did not anticipate the difficulty level of sitting up. Thank you for your assistance, Bruce my friend. I’m going to leave now.” Thor sprints away before he does something stupid like sweep Bruce into his arms. He hears Bruce choke out a faint “goodbye” as he leaves. His friend is obviously unnerved by being so close to Thor. Disappointing to be sure, but once he is at his peak once more, charming the scientist should be easy! Hopefully.

3\. Have your friends support your fitness goals. 

This time, someone finds Thor. He is the training yard, blowing up targets with lightning, beating himself up, when Carol Danvers approaches him. 

“Thor? Are you okay? Your lightning seems a little more…” she weighs her words “aggressive than usual.” 

“Whatever do you mean?” he asks, completely obliterating one of the statues of Howard Stark they use as targets. 

“I mean I was only one not scared to approach you now.” Carol says, already done with diplomacy. Thor, feeling sheepish, puts his hammer down and takes a deep breath. 

“Is this because of Bruce?” Thor stiffens, answering her question. “Oh boy. Well sometimes you just have the grab the bull by the, uh, horns? And go up to him and go ‘girl are you butter? Because you’re churning  
me-’ no that won’t work this is Bruce.” Thor stops Carol, by putting a hand on her shoulder. It was funny to see Carol, who was usually so good at everything, being completely useless at any kind of romance. 

“It’s okay, Captain. It’s my problem.” Carol shakes her head and looks around, face brightening when she sees Steve across the lawn. 

“Rogers. Get your elderly ass over here!” Steve gives a cheery wave and jogs towards both of them. Thor doesn’t know how to feel about another person being privy to his love problems. 

“Captain. Thor. What’s going on?” Carol slings her arm over Thor’s shoulders. 

“Our good friend here is having love issues.” Steve grins.

“Bruce?” Does everyone know about Thor’s embarrassing crush? This is getting absurd. Carol continues, whether ignorant of or just flat out ignoring his flustered state.

“Yes! And I came to help him, but it seems I am lacking in certain areas of knowledge...” 

“She is the most useless of lesbians” Thor can’t help but add, making Steve snort. 

“Thank you, Thor, for that input today. As I was saying, since I am lacking, I figured I would call you over since you and Bucky have a semi-functional romantic relationship.” Steve nods and looks at Thor, expression determined. 

“Something I’ve learned in my life is how short it really is. I spent so many years beating myself up because I didn’t tell Bucky I loved him before he died. Then when he came back, I didn’t tell him until after he died again. Even though I love where we are now, I wish I hadn’t waited so long. If you love Bruce, then you should make a move. Ask him out on date. Keep it causal, but make a move. Love is worth any risk.” Steve’s eyes shine and Thor feels himself start to tear up. He’s no stranger to losing people, but the thought of losing Bruce before telling him how he feels is almost a suffocating thought. He thinks of Bruce, lost to them for so long, and knows what he must do.

“You’re right. There’s no time to wait for abs. I’ll see him now! Thank you, my dear Captains!” Thor heads to the labs, determination in his step. Steve turns to Carol.

“Wait for what?”

“I obviously have no clue, Steve.” 

4\. Eat healthy

“Bruce! Bruce!” Thor shouts, bursting into the lab. “Do you want to go get healthy smoothies with me at that place down the street? They haven’t tasted good yet, but I’m sure seventh times the charm.” He chuckles awkwardly, trying to mask his nerves. 

“Oh sorry Thor, but I can’t make it today.” Thor looks and sees him struggling with a bowtie. “I actually have a date coming up in an hour.” 

Oh.

“He’s a chemical engineer. That’s pretty impressive, right? He’s not bad looking either. Here’s to hoping we have chemistry together. Ha. Good, right? Not good? Ok, won’t use that on the date then.” Bruce rambles on, unaware of Thor’s heart sinking, his throat closing, and his eyes prickling. It was like when he was drained of all his powers ling ago. Disoriented. Helpless. 

“Ah. It’s okay. I hope you have fun.” is all he pulls himself together to say. Without even waiting for Bruce’s response, he tears out of the lab, barely making it to his room before sinking down to the floor.

Why did he even think he would have a chance? Even in his best shape, he would never deserve Bruce. Kind, smart, and fun Bruce, who has gone through so much but still brings light to everyone around him. Of course he would want to be with someone like an engineer, not a fuck-up like him. Why was he even trying? He stared at the ceiling, miserable, unaware of time passing until he heard a knock at his door.

“Hey buddy.” It was Bruce, smiling softly. Thank Odin he wasn’t crying at that moment. “You rushed out kind of quick today, so I was just checking on you.” 

“Ah I’m fine.” Thor replies, trying to inject as much bravado into his voice as possible. “Just seeing if sitting on the floor is better for my back!”

“Ok. How was the smoothie?”

“The smoothie! I forgot to go, so focused on my floor sitting. Silly me.” It’ll hurt to ask, but no one has ever called Thor smart. “How was your date?” 

“He was… nice, I suppose. I feel bad saying this, but he was honestly very boring.” Thor bites back his join and gestures for him to elaborate. “I think being a superhero has lowered my tolerance for hearing the details of desk jobs. And, to be honest, I think he had, like, a Hulk kink. If there even is such a thing. He kept asking me to turn in to him, and he looked way too eager.” Bruce shudders and sits on the floor next to Thor. Thor pats him on shoulder sympathetically, while trying to hide his on elation. The date was bad! They sit in comfortable silence for a bit, sitting close enough that Thor’s pulse starts to pick up a bit.

“Thor? Can I ask you a question?” 

“Go ahead.”

“Why do you want abs in the first place? I think you’re fine as you are. Why are you going around doing sit-ups and drinking gross smoothies and cutting sugar? Why go through all that effort to change?” Thor opens his mouth to brush the question off, but looking at Bruce’s expression, he doesn’t seem physically able to. 

“It’s nice of you to say I’m fine the way I am, but we both know that’s not true. My whole life has centered around being worthy and I’ve always been a failure. I’m too impulsive, too blind, too stupid.”

“Thor. You’re not-”

“I let my brother down, my people down countless times. I’ve made so many mistakes, and now I’ve let myself go as well. I just need to control something.”

“You haven’t-”

“Maybe if I get my body back, some dignity back I can finally be worthy.”

“Worthy of what? You’re a great man and a great leader and I can’t see what standard you need to-“

“Worthy of you, Bruce! I’m never going to be worthy of you!” Thor claps his hands over his mouth, much too late. The words hung in the air, and Bruce seemed frozen, eyes wide.

“Of… of me? Does that mean what I think it means?” the scientist asks, eyes shining with something Thor can’t name.

“Yes.” He breathes out. “I’ve loved you for a long time. It doesn’t matter. You can forget it. I know I don’t deserve you.” He tires to get up, when Bruce grabs his arm, pulling him down and turning the god to face  
him. 

“Where did that even come from?” Bruce asks, voice soft, a smiling curving on his face, “I’ve loved you for years. If anything, I’m not worthy of you.” Thor opens his mouth, but Bruce cuts him off. “I don’t want some perfect person who makes no mistakes, even if they are a god. I want you, all of your strengths, all of your faults. Just the fact you love me is breathtaking. I went on that date trying to get over you! And all I could think about when sitting across from that boring man was how much better off I would have been drinking awful sports drinks with you!” Thor’s shock fades to calm, every word filling him with more joy. He can see so clearly now the love Bruce’s eyes. 

“Can I kiss you?” he asks, hand under the scientist’s chin. At Bruce’s nod, he bends down, and their lips meet.

Noting has ever felt more right. 

5\. Believe in yourself! Without this, no fitness goal can be reached.

The Avengers just about rioted when Thor and Bruce walked into the common room hand in hand. Thor could see Peter Parker grinning wildly at them, his friend next to him, eyes suspiciously misty. He met eyes with Loki, who scoffed, but with much less scorn than usual. Tony was already passing out congratulatory juice boxes, one of which Morgan took eagerly. 

“Look what I did!” he exclaims. Carol scrunches up her nose.

“What you did? Me and Steve definitely deserve the credit for getting these two idiots together.”

“You dare question Tony Stark, matchmaker extraordinaire?” Steve merely shakes his head and laughs.

“Congratulations you two.” He says, leaning to peck Bucky on the cheek, who grunts in agreement. 

Carol is still sputtering, and Thor makes a mental note to introduce her to Valkyrie. Pepper hugs them both, and Bruce blushes before turning to smile up at Thor. 

Surrounded by family and friends, their warmth and support, his hand in Bruce’s, Thor feels himself smile. He feels complete.

He feels worthy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Leave a comment to tell me what you thought! 
> 
> Up next: Tony leaves Morgan with an unlikely babysitter. Maybe mixing the god of mischief and a young kid isn't the best idea ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Up next: Thor has a workout regiment to get his abs back, but the muscle he really needs to work on is his heart.


End file.
